Newsletter: Alchemy, Authenticity, and Agency
Can you feel it?
The change in the air at the beginning of September – after Labor Day in the US and the Bank Holiday here in the UK – that accompanies the falling leaves and the cooling temperatures. Fall always gets me thinking about the changing nature of living on this planet and I love the reminder to shed, to harvest, to alchemize the past, and to be present with how we have grown.
The word alchemy conjures up the idea of going beyond the obvious and discovering our capacity for tapping into our inner power. The spiritual alchemy of transforming our wounds and fears into wisdom, has the power to set us free. But until we are ready to process the pain – to break the trance and change the narrative – we may continue to repeat old patterns that are no longer serving us. And I understand that this work is not always easy, but it is much harder to keep spinning in a circle, reliving our past.
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I have a client who came to me because she was repeating patterns from a past relationship in her new one. Sound familiar? Something I have done many times! She needed help to unpack and let go of what was not of love so that she could recognise what was authentic love. And not the kind you see in the fairytales, movies, or IG accounts, but the type that requires we do the real, gritty work to understand ourselves and each other so that we can build on compassionate conversations and create a deeper love.
After unpacking some of the fears she was having around intimacy and vulnerability, it was clear that these things were not modelled for her growing up. Her fear of being left or rejected was activated because of past hurts – and not based in the present time – so she was spinning in a time travel of old pain that needed to shift to make room for this new love.
Through Rinsing Work – discharging old hurts through writing and physical release – she was able to feel the pain and process the message that the pain was trying to deliver to her. She learned that she needed to get clear on her boundaries and love herself in order to feel trust in her life and in her partner. She began learning to accept the good, the bad, and the ugly within herself – to own her past stories where she hurt herself – so that she could be clear in choosing to love herself and her partner moving forward.
She was able to move through the feelings with less judgment and shame so they would not spin her into a hole of repeated old patterns. She Rinsed her fears, processed her hurt, and owned her tender places – her fear about loss and betrayal – so she was less likely to project them onto her partner. Now the relationship is blossoming and she’s harvesting some deep juicy love. Her relationship is imperfect and messy AND lots of beautiful things are growing.
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History is important when creating agency. If you were brought up in a home with parents/ caregivers who twisted love with control, guilt, shame, neglect, abuse, betrayal, addiction, or codependency, there's a good chance the same will be intertwined into your adult relationships.
And I want to add, let's not call these patterns bad, but as Human hurt that needs healing. In order to unravel and release this hurt so that it can heal, we often need to experience ourselves in a relationship to make unconscious patterns conscious, so we can change them.
We can’t change other people, but we can change how we show up for ourselves and in the world. Then we can take agency and either choose to stay, wait, or go, in alliance with our authentic truth. The containers of how we experience love may break, but the love we cultivate and own is our gold.
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Shedding the things that are no longer working for us can be hard because we often become dependent on those things to keep us busy, distracted, and disconnected. But to be interdependent humans in a world that is forever changing asks us to evolve with the seasons. It takes courage to allow the old to fall away, to let go of our grip on control and to step into the unknown with vulnerability and openness. It is a practice and a process.
The journey of life is messy and imperfect, but it's also pathed with many blessings that fall into our lap when we release our grip on fear and open our arms to love.
I will leave you with a Nigerian proverb that I fall back on when I feel lost and confused:
Where you fall, there your God pushed you.
All the times I was pushed to my edge, I learned to soften and find more grace in the change. I hope this fall brings a season of change that allows you to flow forward into the mystery of your life and trust the unfolding. I've opened a few spots in my coaching practice for people who want to break free from the past and create a new story for their future. If you'd like my help, hit reply or click the button below for more info on coaching.
With love, Mia x